Funniest jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe 2024, from Ed Patrick to Alec Snook

We asked comedians at this year’s comedy festival to send in their best lines – vote for your favourite below

The Edinburgh Fringe is a rite of passage for many comedians. Despite the yearly moans about rent costs, clueless punters and the ever-shrinking pool of decent places to get a kebab at 5am, comedy’s young guns – and old hands – still flock up north every August to try their luck. 
But a comedian is only as strong as their last gag. Of course, lots of other factors are also at play – delivery, ambience, how p–ssed the punters are – but ultimately a set stands or falls on the quality of the joke. If it doesn’t make you laugh when written down, in the cold light of day, is it even funny? 
This, then, is a brutal test of witticisms. Comedians headed to the Fringe this year sent in their best shots – and you get to make the call on which is funniest. And comedians, if you fancy having a go (and getting a bit of free advertising), send your best jokes to [email protected].
I have a friend called Carmichael. Which is a strange name, but we had to differentiate him from Human Michael somehow. 
Charlie Bowers and Walter Jack: The Joke Clinic, Hill Street Theatre, 10:45pm, Aug 10-17
I finally admitted to my partner I had a secret second wife. She said it was big of me to come clean. She was right, it was bigamy. 
Bishops: Farewell Bruce Porcelain, Underbelly, Cowgate, 6:55pm, Aug 9-11, 13-25
The first thing my mum asked my new girlfriend was, “have you read the Kama Sutra?”. Which put me in an awkward position. 
Ed Patrick: Catch Your Breath, The Stand Comedy Club 3 & 4, 3:30pm, Aug 9-11 (not 10); Ed Patrick: Comedians’ Surgery, The Stand Comedy Club 3 & 4, 3:30pm, Aug 15-17 (and 12pm, Aug 18)
People always go on about who a baby looks like: the mother, the father, the grandfather. The answer is always the Michelin man. 
Sameer Katz: Whether Conditions, Laughing Horse @ The Counting House, 3pm, Aug 9-25 
I’ve been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don’t feel like I’m progressing. It’s just one step forward… two steps back. 
Alec Snook: Decomposing, Live, Laughing Horse @ The Three Sisters, 12pm, Aug 10-25
I went for a job selling sun cream – I applied every four hours. 
Danny Matinee: 199 Jokes Before Lunchtime: High Whisk, theSpace @ Symposium Hall, 9:45am, Aug 3-10
A divorce and a bat mitzvah are actually quite similar: two coming of age events where you get to watch your dad cry. 
Zoe Brownstone: A Bite Of Yours, Pleasance Courtyard, 7.15pm, Aug 1-12, 14-23
When you grow up with an Autistic family member you tend to look for it too much. I once dated a women who’s 3 year old son wasn’t speaking yet. Just mumbling. So I told her, her child may have autism. To which she replied, “he’s speaking Spanish you idiot”. 
Graham Kay: Pete and Me, Gilded Balloon Patter House, 6.20pm, Aug 1-11, 13-26
Never give up on your dreams (unless it’s to create a master race – just let that one go).
Caitlin Cook: The Writing on the Stall, Pleasance Dome, 9.50pm, Aug 14-25
I grew up in the 80s and 90s where meeting a closeted gay man for sex was really dangerous because you could get Kevin Spacey. 
James Barr: Sorry I Hurt Your Son (Said My Ex to My Mum), Underbelly, Bristo Square, 5.15pm, Aug 1-11, 13-25
I don’t like when a casino says “House rules.” It got a little boring for me in the last season.
Demi Adejuyigbe Is Going To Do One (1) Backflip, Pleasance Courtyard, 6.20pm, Aug 1-11, 13-25
I like to live in the present – though this is usually a shock for whoever’s birthday it is.
Will BF: The Last Gun, Hoots @ The Apex, 4.30pm, Aug 2-11, 13-26
All small town nightclubs are aspirational. They’re named for things you would never have in that small town, like Prospects. 
Louise Leigh: Distracted, Just the Tonic at Cabaret Voltaire, 3.30pm, Aug 1-4, 6-11, 13-18, 20-25
Ate horse at a restaurant once – wasn’t great. Starter was alright but the mane was dreadful.
Alex Kitson: Must I Paint You A Picture?, Hootenannies, Potterrow (Wee Yurt), 10.55pm, August 2-25 
I saw a guy drunk-driving a hearse. Out there drumming up business.
Stuart Laws Has To Be Joking?, Monkey Barrel Comedy, 4.45pm, Aug 1-13, 15-25
Comedy is tough: I said to an audience member: “You’ve got a twinkle in your eye”. He looked worried and said, “I’ve got conjunctivitis”.
Chelsea Birkby: This Is Life, Cheeky Cheeky, Just the Tonic at The Caves, 9.20pm, Aug 1-11, 13-25
My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes.
Olaf Falafel Asks: Has Anyone Actually Ever Woven A Sigourney?, Laughing Horse @ The Pear Tree, 3.45pm, Aug 1-13, 15-25
I used to eat my entire advent calendar in one day. Some years I wouldn’t even touch the windows. I’d just go straight through the roof.
Bella Hull: Piggie, Pleasance Courtyard, 9.45pm, Aug 1-13, 15-26
Royal Mail say they can save £650m a year by only delivering the post 3 days a week. Of course they can! I could save £40 a month on my phone bill by simply walking into the sea.
Milo Edwards: How Revolting! Sorry To Offend, Monkey Barrel Comedy, 5.45pm, Aug 1-11, 13-25
When it comes to my sexuality I don’t like to be pigeonholed, although I am up for everything else.
Phil Henderson: Space Cowboy, Just the Tonic at The Mash House, 11.30am, Aug 13-25
Had my wedding recently. I married a midwife, so she’s upgraded to a full wife.
Ed Patrick: Comedians’ Surgery, The Stand Comedy Club 3 & 4, Aug 15-18
My whole family are psychics. I was born with the gift of hindsight, I realised later.
Luke Rollason, Luke Rollason, Let Down Your Hair, Pleasance Dome, 7.10pm, Aug 1-12, 14-25
People think I’m not threatening because I’m so short, but I’m actually closer to the size of a gun than any of you.
Rachel Kaly: Hospital Hour, Pleasance Courtyard, 6.55pm, Aug 1-11, 13-25
I studied sculpture at uni. We learnt carpentry, welding, mould making, steel joinery. It was mostly boring, except for steel joinery, which was actually riveting.
Zoë Coombs Marr: Every Single Thing in My Whole Entire Life, Monkey Barrel Comedy, 5pm, Aug 1-6, 8-13, 15-20, 22-25
It’s so embarrassing when people are obsessed with celebrity and appearing well connected. I’ve been telling my best friends Paul and Ringo for years.
Jazz Emu: Knight Fever, Pleasance Courtyard, 9pm, Aug 1-11, 13-25
Why do families in horror films always find a doll at a flea market with a literal axe coming out of its head and say: “This would be great for the kids!”
Derek Mitchell: Double Dutch, Pleasance Courtyard, 10.50pm, Aug 1-12, 14-25
If I were Jesus Christ coming back now in 2024 with the state of the world, I’d keep a low profile, open a nice little wine bar and start working on the second book.
Harry Stachini: Grenade, Underbelly, Bristo Square, 5.45pm, Aug 1-11, 13-26
You might not think my job’s important, but at least clowns have been around for a while. I’ve never heard of a Medieval Marketing Executive.
Ali Woods: At The Moment, Underbelly, Bristo Square, 8.30pm, Aug 1-11, 13-25
My mother never hugged me, because she’s English and I’m not a horse.
Isabella Charlton: So My Dad F****d The Nanny, Gilded Balloon Patter House, 9.40pm, Aug 1-11, 13-25
Have you heard of an egg and spoon race? Spoiler: they just sit there. Waste of my bloody time.
MC Hammersmith: The MC Stands for Middle Class, Monkey Barrel Comedy, 1.55pm, Aug 1-5, 7-12, 14-19, 21-25
They say that life begins at 40. If that’s true, I guess that means Jesus never really lived.
Spring Day: Exvangelical, Pleasance Courtyard, 6.05pm, Aug 1-12, 14-25
I’m doing this show to prove my childhood bullies wrong. I’ve had to make a lot of awkward calls to make sure they’re definitely coming.
Will Owen: Like, Nobody’s Watching, Assembly George Square, 10.20pm, Aug 1-12, 14-25
Which jokes made you laugh? Let us know in the comments below